Did you know that for every one positive comment our children hear, on average, most will hear 8 negative comments? Now, we can’t really feel bad when we have to shout ‘don’t run onto the road’ or ‘don’t put that pea up your nose’! But it does sound a bit imbalanced doesn’t it.
The problem is that it is positive comments, from people that matter, that can have a brilliant impact on children’s self-esteem, their sense of value. This feeling of self-worth helps their confidence, their ability to learn and their belief that they can do anything. So, whilst we are busy keeping them safe, we might also remember that it is catching them being good that is more valuable, than catching them being naughty.
Research also shows that some types of praise are more ‘helpful’ than others for children in valuing themselves and growing in confidence. In the second week of Families Connect the parents had a shot of practising this ‘helpful praise’ with each other, before being let loose on the children! We practised ‘good praise’ and ‘bad praise’ and were left in no doubt about which felt best and was more helpful.
With the children, we made superstar awards. These were taken home as a reminder to parents to look for the positives and to praise everyday little things, using the stars in whatever way worked for their family. For the children, the awards were simply to make them feel valued and to understand what they were doing well. For one family it definitely worked, with one little girl feeling SO valued she sported her award for an entire weekend in all weathers!
So, what is this ‘helpful praise’ I hear you ask? It’s simple really, when praising your children think about making it:
• Specific – this is so that children know what to do next time…’I love your story and you have done a great job of remembering capital letters and full stops. Well done.’
• Genuine – children can spot when the words don’t match the facial expression and body language!
• Focused on effort – rather than the outcome (‘you won!’). By focusing on the effort and approach taken, children know that trying is important, that they don’t have to be stuck at being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ at something, they can practice and get better. It also means they will be happier to try something new.
• Without a sting in the tail – ‘what a great drawing, next time you might want to give the person facial features!’. When children hear praise mixed with criticism, they only remember the criticism.
Use these tips to try switching the 8:1 ratio and encourage our children to do more of the stuff that gets them praised. Some of this might not come naturally at first, but practice makes perfect!