The author is trying to tell us about her experience of being in a primary school and how she thought the children were being taught.

What the writer could do differently to improve the register of the prose:

• Instead of using the word ‘kids’ use ‘children’
• When using words such as ‘don’t’ use the full word (do not.)
• Try to use professional language rather than colloquial language

Three points of advise to the writer in exemplar A:

• Say what you saw and learnt, not what you do not remember or did not see.
• Prove how this made you want to be a teacher and how the experience enhanced your understanding of the job.

Tell us more about the experience the children had through play.

Exemplar B:

This writer refers straight to the current curriculum which helps us understand the use of play and children in primary schools. They also use references, this is helpful as it successfully backs up the point the writer is saying. This person uses professional language, which allows their piece to be put across very easily and gives a very good impression of the writer. Finally, the word count of this piece is a lot higher than the first piece, which helps show a deeper understanding of the subject.

Therefore, exemplar B is a more acceptable piece due to its language, the use of references and a larger word count. The writer in part A should take note from this piece in order for their piece to be accepted as piece of academic, critically analytical writing.