Unfortunately, maths is a subject that I have only had an uncomfortable experience with. I vividly remember the dread flooding over me as the teacher instructed “No hands up! I’ll pick randomly for answers….” when testing us on a new concept that I had already given up on making sense of. My worst experience of maths was in high school, when a teacher asked us to raise our hands if we got 5/5 on a list of questions we had been given. I had gotten around 3/5, but seeing all my other classmates proudly share a set of full marks, I untruthfully, raised my hand. Seeing this, the teacher exclaimed “Jessica, you didn’t get all 5 right! I saw, passing your desk, that you didn’t take your time, and made lots of silly mistakes. Can’t be doing that in an exam, folks!”

I felt so ashamed, not only of my poor result, but my inability to ask for help regarding it; which in my defence, wasn’t helped by the teachers inpatient disposition! If I hadn’t already made my mind up that I hated maths; that certainly did it.

But having explored some reading on the topic of anxiety in mathematics, and engaging in tutorial discussions, I realise that not only am I far from being alone in this fear, but that it isn’t really the subject that I hate, its the negative mindset that consumes my thinking when I approach it. As much as I know that transforming this could be a challenge, I feel a sense of empowerment when I realise that it is completely in my control.

I am further motivated through my understanding of a point made by Haylock (2019); that by changing how I think about maths, I will avoid passing on a negative relationship with the subject to the pupils I teach. Having experienced the impact of ‘hating’ maths – most explicitly, having to sit National 5 maths twice, and despising every second of it – this is something I would hate to impose on someone else!

Moving forward, I hope to re-engage with the subject from a fresh perspective. Just because I have not experienced the “inherent beauty” Haylock describes as existent in maths; doesn’t mean it isn’t there, and that I can’t help others to see it. I hope to actively seek knowledge that will help me to engage in practice on placement that provides the students with purposeful, enjoyable and challenging learning opportunities in maths; with particular interest in how I can capitalise on the interdisciplinary opportunities that the subject provides to do so.