I can use clever ways of getting description into my story.
I can create an exciting adventure story.
Assessment criteria
The story has lots of clever description that adds meaning to the story.
The story is exciting.
The story has capital letters and full stops in the correct places.
The story has paragraphs which help make the story make sense.
The story makes sense all the way through.
Years ago there was a beautiful young lady with long silky brown hair she had just came out of a disastrous portal. Amy was now in new york. Amy was terrified she had no idea where she was and didn’t know how to get home. Her silky brown hair was floating on the air getting blown by the wind.
Suddenly she saw a huge big manshin like her house in the distant she ran over and opened the door. It was empty she went up stairs with her high heels clattering on the stairs. Amy heard a door slamming to her left. She heard wicked voices to her right. It felt like she was in a wicked witches house.
She was so scared she ran down the stairs as fast as she could. Suddenly she was being held up by a witch she screamed. The witch took her to the dungeons. The witch name was Agithor. Agithor through Amy into the dungeons ripping her immense dress. Amy suddenly realized that
Well done Katrena you have the start of an exciting story.
One breezy day Bailey was packing up her beautiful clothes in her sparkling suitcase. Bailey was moving house today! Bailey was so excited and couldn’t wait until she moved into the amazing, huge beautiful house! She had finished packing so she dashed down stair to put her suitcase in the gleaming red car that her crazy mum and dad owned. Bailey was moving into the house with her mum,dad, sister Miley, brother Jacob and her other brother Conor. They all jumped into the car, Miley didn’t really want to move she liked the house she was in before so she didn’t really like packing up.
Finally they got to the house, there was a beautiful path with gorgeous flowers around it! Bailey opened the door carefully, the door creeked. The house spelt new and all you could smell was fresh paint and a new carpet smell the house was huge and Bailey couldn’t believe her eyes when she walked in but from the minute she walked into the house she knew there was something spooky about this house. Jacob and Conor loved the new house only because there is a huge garden to play football and they have got a huge room each but apart from that didn’t like it! Miley hated the house she thought it was silly to get a house this big!
Everyone went up stair to unpack, Miley refused to unpack! Mum told her to just give the house a chance and go and unpack so Miley followed what mum said and unpacked. Bailey was given the biggest room! And mum and dad got the smallest! Bailey didn’t see how that was fair but she carried in unpacking. Everyone had went back down stair except Bailey and Miley, they wanted to check this place out they both felt weird about this place! So they got there slippers on and searched around the house for anything weird! All you could hear was creeking and weird noises! Suddenly there was a loud thump, someone was up stair!
Miley and Bailey clattered up stair sitting there on the bench was a man in a mask and a real ghost stearing us right in the eye! Bailey and Miley started to backup out of the room, there eyes got wider and wider by the second and there hearts got louder and louder by the second too! They tumbled down stair as fast as they had ever had in their whole lives! “MUM!!!” shouted Bailey. “Yeah” mum answered. “QUICK THERES A GHOST AND and A MAN IN A MASK UP STAIR!!! HELP!” “you guys must be daydreaming!, theres not a ghost in the house!” “AHHH!” screamed Jacob and Conor. “MUM!” screamed Conor and Jacob. “Theres a ghost and a man up stair!” “HELP!” Mum stomed up stair. Look this house isn’t haunt…… “AHHHH!” Mum screamed. Ggggghost! The ghost began to float up “im here to welcome you to your new home” “well you did a great job of that! Conor said sarcastically. The ghost looked down on Jacob, “if you disagree or be cheeky to me you and your family will be haunted for the rest of your life!
To be continued.
ooo this is the start of a very exciting story well done, your writing has really come on!
One Icy winters day 2 explorers went looking for THE GOLDING APPLE the explorers names are
Jack and Cameron. BANG the smelly horrible boat crash Jack scampered across the boat there was a pack of poler bears Jack shouted HELP .What said Cameron there’s poler bears screamed jack get the tranquilliser . BANG the poler bears where sunned and fell a sleep Jack and Cameron said phew . We need to find civilians in a town so where do we go ask Cameron . We get of the boat and search for people OK said Cameron. Amazingly Cameron fixed the land rover Cameron set it off so we diffident.
I wonder what is going to happen.
By Katie Mc
vampire nightmair
Deep down in a calm forest where there is lots of wildlife and family’s love to visit on summers days . One cold fogy winters day it was snowing .The stream was frozen and the trees were covered with snow . It was a perfect picture . That day a family came the had two children a dog and a caravan. One of the kids were called vammy and the other child was called vikky.The dog had a coat as gold as chunk of gold. Why were they here in the winter? Where they homeless people or were they something else. They got settled in and got comfy. That night something was strange they all went out to get food. Dose that mean they are a………………………….VAMPIRE !well vampires don’ t exist.
We need more information too know shurly if they are a vampire. Suddenly ! something happened they disapered .now this was getting freaky .screach, screach, screach I heared in the sky. Wow what was that t just flew past but why was there a deer in the sky is well as that thing ? The sun beamed through the oak trees .More visitors came and came .people made snowmen and had snowball fights and went sleighing. It was so much fun. It was night again and this time it was even more spookier. This time there was a scream. I rushed outside someone had been caught by someone.maybe the vimpiers did it.
I think with a little editing this could be a really exciting piece.
The Fairy Rescue
One glamorous morning, a young girl called Scarlet woke up and slowly stretched as she was getting out of bed dragging her long silckey black hair behind her. She opened her huge wardrobe and pulled out a lovely green top and a beautiful white skirt and took out some pink fancy pumps. Scarlet tied her hair up into a bobble and left her blue and pink bedroom.
“What a beautiful sunny day”, she cried to her mother! I think I’m going to go and explore the fields and gardens! “Ok” shouted her mother but don’t go near, and before Scarlet’s mother could finish she had slammed the door and ran off. Scarlet was racing over the lush green meadows and through the long lasting fields, until suddenly she came across a house the she had never seen before! It was a beautiful country cottage with a tower at one end. She could hear the birds and bees and farm animals all around her, and could smell the flowers and the long fresh grass. She could fell the sun shinning down at her and she could taste the warmth of the air! Just then she herd a little voice shouting “help me, help me please someone help”!
Scarlet heard it from the cottage she trying to decide what to do either go in and try to save the person who was crying or not go in because something bad could happen! But she decided to go in and save the voice!
She slowly creped in and shut the door, she could smell of dampness and she couldn’t taste anything. It was like inside it was a complete different world from what was outside. Suddenly their was someone coming down stairs very fast, Scarlet was trying to find a hiding place were she saw a door so she quickly ran in. An old lady stomped down stairand uted come out come out were ever you are but I will find you”
I think we will have to finish these stories! You have really listened to the task and you have worked hard to achieve the success criteria.
One day when a boy called sam he went fishing on a boat with his dad bob. then the boat started to shake back and forward then suddenly out of no where a giant wave.It hit there boat then there boat was smashed to pieceses so they were stuck in a island, there clothes were ripped and then bob spotted this tower made out of stone. so they decided to head over to the tower when they opened the door the door went out with a massive creek so sam said this looks haunted .then suddenly a scream came out of no where sam and his dad said what was that?so just before they where going out the tower the door slammed then it got locked bob tried to open it, all of the locks on the door where locked so they were locked in a haunted house. suddenly they herd the scream again sam and bob where petrefied so they where going to open the door but then they read the sign it said beware so they opened the door
Why did they open the door, good start Scott. Remember those capital letters.
I was middday on the beautiful cliff side when all of a sudden a dosen of Clydesdale horses smoothly troting to the very edge of the cliff were at the bottom of the cliff side.There was a gigantic waterfall. Along the opisit side there was mountain and the beautiful trees swaying in the warm breeze.
When suddenly the leading clydesdale decided to walk a little more forward, until suddely the leading horse fell off the cliff side. They found a secret ledge that they forever knew about but nobody else knew about it. He hade is very own remote control that also nobody knew about. So the leading clydesdale got slightly injured but basically the clydedale was fine but the very hansome man that was riding the clydesdale horse was slightly injured aswell ( but he will survive).
I would like you to talk me through this story. I can see that you have been trying to achieve the success criteria.
Ones apon a time there was two boys they were on hollday one was called callm and the other was called ken .they were best frendes they were waken and seen a hemunges castle. calm said lets go and see what is in side so callm opened the door crek went the door eeew said callm it smells of death whate what is that it is comen strat for us aaaaaa suck it was a portal the castle looks hunted that because it is dumbo ow but what are we goet to do we have no wepons to yous to kill the zombies,gosts,skeltins,crokadiyles just look for them look for a axe or somethen. ok lets split up ok you go rite I go left crek went the door hellow said callm no anser a axe ooooooo cccaalllmmm said a gost you dont scare me said callm hhhhhh said a zombie callm slad the zombie callm ran into the other room there was 5 zombies there was a lote of blood but callm suvived it all the is the last room said callm I hop.
I would like you to read me through your story so we can edit it together.
Amy, a little 7 year old, was having a wondrous picnic in the awesome wood. All Amy could hear was the low rustle of the leaves. After the picnic they played a game of hide and seek. Amy wondered past the bright green leaves, which were swaying in the breeze. She found a good hiding place deep in the middle of the wood. She waited and waited. Nobody came. Amy soon fell asleep.
When Amy woke up she didn’t remember anything. But then it all came back to her. She was hiding from her parents when she fell asleep. Suddenly Amy heard a roar from a long way off. Amy was petrified. She ran through the woods stumbling over the roots which were tunnelling along the ground. Her curly black hair was flying behind her. She tried to sniff the air to see if she could smell her mum’s rose perfume. All she could smell was the smell of the beautiful flowers and the green mint leaves. The roar was getting closer and closer. Amy looked behind her. She then fell over the root of a giant oak tree and bashed her head. She felt very dizzy. The roar still was getting closer and closer. Suddenly an animal pounced out of a bush. It didn’t land on Amy as the animal had hoped. Amy looked closely at the animal. It was a tiger! The tiger picked Amy up by her clothes, ripping them with his great big teeth. The tiger took Amy to his lair were a big metal cage stood on top of a pile of jaggy rocks. The cave was dark and the only sorce of light was the sun’s rays. The tiger thrust Amy into the cage. The tiger lay down by the entrance and fell asleep. Amy thought she could see an animal standing behind the tiger. It was a stag. The stag jumped over the tiger not making a sound with his hooves.
“Climb on my back Amy,” said somebody.
She looked down at the stag. Amy realized that the stag had spoken. She climbed on to his soft back and clung on to his antlers. He started to fly. Amy was so tired that she fell asleep.
When she woke up she looked around her. She was in a magical land. There was bright green leaves swaying quietly. There was all kinds of different flowers. Amy recognised the rose, bluebell and the daisy. The stag which she was riding on began to climb down a steep hill, slowly, making sure that his passenger didn’t fall off. When the stag got down to the bottom of the hill all the deer around him came running over to see who the stag had taking to their home.
“This is Amy,” said the stag. “She is lost in the woods,”.
“We must help her to get back safely,” said a little foul.
Well done, I like how you have added detail to this piece.
There was ones a girl called Laura wearing a bright blue dress and curly brown hair walking across the bright green and smooth grass to reach the lovely white house next to the flowing blue river. Laura finally got in the house and got a room. She then thought it looked peaceful, quiet and when she looked outside her
room it looked sunny and beautiful with the river flowing by. She then got supper and pudding then went to bed.
The next morning she got up and looked if it was sunny. It was really sunny so she got her flowery dress on and her flower pumps then went to roll in the grass after breakfast all morning.
She could see trees blowing in the worm brees
Great detail and good start well done.
One day in may there was a couple who s anniversary was tomorrow and there was packing and packing some of there things for going it was in Yorkshire a county manner they where called carol and Gordon they where so excited for going carol was wearing a beautiful dress it was silver and black Gordon was wearing a lovely black suite with a red rose in the pocket on his jacket. They where nearly finished packing some of there things the day went by and it was time to go to bed then night went by very quickly and it was morning they got up I am so excited said carol so am I said Gordon so they had some breakfast carol had some toast and raspberry jam and Gordon had some toast as well with strawberry jam so they
With a little editing I think you could have a super start to your story.
Sadie and Katie were running through the beautiful meadow, they thought it was the most beautiful place that should never be allowed to change. They got to edge of the meadow and decided to go for a walk in the woods, once in the woods they started to hear machines and as they got closer to the noise they saw a horrific site men were cutting down the outstanding trees. Sadie and Katie felt awful they had to do something.
Suddenly they saw some sparkles in the leaves and then out of the sparkles came Flora the forest fairy. Floras beautiful floral skirt danced around her as though it was alive and her vine necklace shimmered with tiny water droplets. She said hello to the girls, she had met them before on previous exciting missions. “Hi i’m Flora the forest fairy ‘she said in exsitmont .Hi I’m Katie and this is sadie they said .
I enjoyed working with you on the start of this story, you have great ideas so remember those full stops to help the story to make sense.
Can you triy and stop them please asked the fairy yes replid the girls runed over to the workers and shouted stop!!!you are cant ruin this it a beautiful medow and you cant ruin it .girls
Primary 5 – well done!
I have really enjoyed reading your stories – they have really cheered up my evening. I want to read more from you all.
Keep up the good writing!
Miss B!
All very good stories, Enjoyed reading them. Hope Sadie and Katie can save the forest, caitlin.
Julie Greenwood. x
The stories are really spectacular because they have outstanding wow words in the stories. My favourite thing about these stories would have to be the amazing description. Some stories need a little bit of spell – checking and editing but they are all really, really tremendous stories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sophie Greig
wow! these are fantastic stories p5/20! Really enjoyedreading all of them! super work keep it up 🙂
Helen Reid( Alisha’s mother)
I think P5/20 have written great stories. Can’t wait to read more.
Katrina McAllister (Jack’s mum)
Well done P5/20! Amazing stories, enjoyed reading them and look forward to reading some more!
🙂
The stories are going really well, keep up the good writing.
I love all the srories I love wrighting, some day I want to be like J.K Rowling who wrote the Harry Potter storys I love harry Potter I am a big fan!!! 🙂