Bus Driver Blues

Verse 1 We spend our lives behind the wheel,
Manoeuvring ten tons of steel.
There’s nothing in the world that we love more.
It’s complete and utter bliss,
The perfect job, until that is
Our rota shows we’ve drawn the shortest straw!
A school run (ooh-ooh)*, it ain’t fun (ooh-ooh),
It ain’t no vacation in the sun!
It’ll be (ooh-ooh) purgatory,
While we’re driving them around
They’ll be driving us crazy!
Verse 2 The thunder of stampeding feet
As they all rush for the back seat,
’Cause that’s where everybody wants to be.
Then they’ll shout before too long,
“Hey! Turn the radio on!”
And they’ll all sing along but out of key!
Girls and boys (ooh-ooh) and their noise (ooh-ooh)
Is a thing that no grown-up enjoys.
It’ll be (ooh-ooh) purgatory
While we’re driving them around
They’ll be driving us crazy!
Verse 3 And when the drinks and snacks come out
There’s so much litter thrown about,
As each kid munches till they’re fit to pop!
Then, on top of everything,
We get projectile vomiting
And whose job will it be to fetch the mop?
We can say (ooh-ooh) there’s no way (ooh-ooh)
This’ll be a busman’s holiday.
It’ll be (ooh-ooh) purgatory
While we’re driving them around
They’ll be driving us crazy!
Oh yeah!

 

Roll up, Roll up

Verse 1 (led by the instructors)
Roll up, Roll up!
We promise you the time of your lives.
(shout) (Oh, such exciting things to do!)
And there’s a chance
That nearly everybody will survive!
(shout) (With just a broken leg or two!)
Your confidence will grow, you’ll gain some self-esteem,
As you pull together, working as a team.
And if it comes to pass you get an injury,
It’s only ninety miles to the nearest A & E!
Verse 2 (led by the kitchen staff)
Roll up, Roll up!
Oh, such delicious dishes we create.
(shout) (And not the slightest trace of horse!)
Our food comes fresh
From out the freezer straight onto your plate.
(shout) (Via the microwave, of course!)
The children don’t complain, there’s very little waste,
’Cause we find lots of ketchup covers up the taste!
And if it comes to pass your guts go into shock,
It’s only ninety yards to the nearest toilet block!
Verse 3 (All)
Roll up, Roll up!
Experience some style and luxury.
(shout) (Yes, our furniture’s antique!)
The beds and chairs
And tables are as ancient as can be.
(shout) (Well, they certainly all creak!)
Some window frames have glass and very little rot,
And every bath has water which is sometimes hot.
And if it comes to pass you want more pamperin’,
It’s only ninety minutes to the nearest Premier Inn!
(shout) ROLL UP!

 

Toffington College

Verse 1

We’re from the ‘Toffington College Of Excellence’,
Where grades and standards never slip.
Because the ‘Toffington College Of Excellence’
Is such a tightly-run ship.
Our test results are second to none,
And every sporting fixture’s won.
Failure’s not a word we understand.
Consider us the cream of the crop,
We’re always sitting at the top
Of any school league table in the land.

Verse 2

We’re from the ‘Toffington College Of Excellence’,
Where second-best just will not do.
And so the ‘Toffington College Of Excellence’
Will not go easy on you.
Our lessons start at seven a.m.
And if you’re ever late for them
Punishment is given in different ways.
Our teachers favour slipper and cane,
’Cause they’re the sort you hear complain
That children have no backbone nowadays.

Verse 3

We’re from the ‘Toffington College Of Excellence’,
Which caters just for the elite.
That way the ‘Toffington College Of Excellence’
Will never suffer defeat.
We’ll stamp on others every time
To be the first across the line –
Nothing’s ever gained from being nice.
We stand by our latin motto;
‘Victoria Omni Pretio’
Which means that we will win at any price.